Why Your Team Sucks 2022: Houston Texans

Some people love the Houston Texans. Many, many more people are not fans of the Houston Texans. This preview for the 2022 Defector NFL Team is for those who belong to this latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team:Houston Texans. The name is its own punchline.

Your 2021 record 4-13. The Texans were eliminated from playoff contention for the second consecutive year. Half of their wins came against Jaguars. They lost every game in October and were outscored 155 to 52. DeAndre Hopkins refused vaccination, and that was their only win over a hated rival.

The 2021 Texans were a team that was created Not to be seen. They couldn’t find a replacement for the man they had sued for sexual misconduct. 24 women filed lawsuits against him. They didn’t have any talent elsewhere on the roster. Christian Kirksey, their best free agent signing was, spent the second half the season on IR. Their coach was the legendary David Culley. If you ever notice a team like that, it’s because they punted backwards or committed some other immortal fuckup. But, no! These Texans managed to fly under the radar for 18 weeks. This season was a return of old-school Texans football. It was boring, unremarkable and ultimately pointless. VICTORY IS THEIRS.

Culley was still firing at the end.

Your coach:The modern Texans have more on-field highlights than they lack. Over. Via Mike Florio

They believe they need another team to interview Josh McCown to legitimize and normalize McCown’s idea of going straight to the job as head coach, despite not having ever coached college or pro football.

FUCKYEAH. Now that’s the patented mix of cynicism and desperation that I’ve come to love about this organization. If you’re just joining us, the Texans fired David Culley for the sin of doing his job to the best of his (albeit limited) abilities. The Texans then conducted a coaching exercise. “search”It came down to two finalists: Josh McCown, a former clipboard holder, and Brian Flores. The latter had just finished two consecutive winning seasons with Miami Dolphins. It was a difficult decision. Do you choose to work with a coach with a track record of success, or hire one of the bad guys at Double Dragon? Well, if you’re the Houston Texans, and Brian Flores just sued you because he knows his interview with you was a sham, you go URRRR DURRR FUCK IT LET’S HIRE LOVIE SMITH.

They did.

Lovie Smith was fired by the Bucs in 2015 after he ran an NFL team that went 6-10. Tampa believed that the key to unlocking Jameis Winston’s potential was to replace Lovie with Dirk Koetter, which is not unlike trading in your old Buick for a Tesla that’s already on fire. In between then and now, Lovie guided Illinois to an impressive-for-Illinois 17-39 record. Lovie also grew such a thick, lush beard that I would like to take a rest inside it. I feel safe when I see Lovie Smith’s beard. Sheltered. Sheltered.

Lovie and his beard form part of a three-prong strategy that Texans GM Nick Caserio (VP/Altar Man Jack Easterby) are currently implementing. Stage 1 was to hire Culley as the ghost season’s steward. Check. Stage 2 was hiring Lovie in a panic so that people wouldn’t get mad at them for hiring Josh McCown. Check. Stage 3 will see Lovie being fired and McCown replacing him, five months from now. This will happen after everyone has become numb not only to the Texans but to life in general. Tell me if you feel anything right now living in this country. No rational person could. You could behead a child in front of me and I wouldn’t bat an eyelash. The Texans have such indifference.

Speaking of allergies to caring …

Your quarterback: Stanford boy Davis Mills, who went from Deshaun Watson’s stopgap replacement to the Texans crying out, ACTUALLY JESUS TOLD US THAT THIS YOUNG MAN IS THE WAY AND THE LIGHT. Davis Mills sounds like an outlet mall that is always on fire. Mills took over for a benched Tyrod Taylor early last season—Tyrod Taylor’s whole life is being benched—and then proceeded to have a season that was respectable only if you factor in the circumstances in which he was forced to play. You would also be happy if you threw 18 touchdowns after your bosses took you out of the nursery to replace an alleged sex-creeper.

Watson is gone, so Mills will have the challenge of playing like a real quarterback. And judging by the nuts and bolts of last season’s performance, in which Mills ranked as the fourth worst quarterback in the league by PFF metrics, he will fail. And he won’t fail in an endearing, sympathetic way. We’re talking about the second coming of Tom Savage here. You can now be angry at Davis Mills, for being a stiff. You have every right to hate his fucking heart. But hey, at least their hands are clean of Deshaun Watson’s evildoing, am I right fellas?

The Times’s review also showed that Watson’s conduct was enabled, knowingly or not, by the team he played for at the time, the Houston Texans, which provided the venue Watson used for some of the appointments. After a woman threatened online to expose Watson’s behavior, a representative of the team provided him with a confidentiality agreement.

So let’s recap:

  • The Texans draft Deshaun Wilson
  • He’s really good; they’re set for at least the next decade
  • Watson spends most of his time looking for professional and non-professional massage therapists to do full body work.
  • He’s also playing for Bill O’Brien, who sucks shit through a paper straw
  • They lose a 24-3 lead over the Chiefs in the 2019 playoffs
  • They somehow alienate Watson and simultaneously enable him. It’s not unlike your parents’ marriage
  • Watson will not play for them after 2020 season
  • They won’t trade him
  • THE DAVIS MILLS EXPERIENCE
  • Watson is not indicted by the Texas grand jury because it is illegal in Texas to assault women.
  • They trade Watson to Cleveland in exchange for three first rounds and change
  • But they’re still part of this scandal AND they’re fucking terrible
  • That’s where we stand now. Did the Texans use their motherlode of draft picks to find Watson’s replacement? No. They will not be relevant for the remainder of the decade. No. Did they? “win”Their trade with Cleveland? It seems that also no. Do you realize how hard it is to get fucked up so many times in one go? Ken Lay would’ve handled this situation more deftly. Fucking XFL-ass franchise.

    Mills has good news: Governor Greg Abbott just signed a bill stating that Texans MUST use the shotgun.

    What’s new that sucks:It is not much. The Texans spent the offseason re-signing many free agents, in the misguided belief that they have a core. They don’t. They have two potato chips that they found on the ground of their car. They took corner Derek Stingley Jr. as the third draft pick. He was a brilliant college student and has been a perpetually questionable player ever since. With their other first round pick—the one from Cleveland—they traded down and took …

    TEXANS FAN: A quarterback? A fearsome pass rusher to take the place of JJ Watt.!

    … a guard. To protect Mills. We will be joining you later this year, when we learn that Mills used the Texans practice facility for holding rabbits captive in a sex dungeon.

    John Metchie has leukemia.

    What has always worked: This offense has no skill players, unless you count Brandin Cooks’s two impressive games per season. They can’t pass block. They can’t run block. They can’t play defense. Their head coach can’t coach anymore. Their top football executive, a Ralph Reed impersonator, is their current head coach. His last real football-related job was as an intern with the Jaguars. Their owner is an aspirant plantation head. They created a situation in which Deshaun Watson could be kept or gotten rid of. It has happened. This team is fucked. Their fans are fucked. Their city is fucked. Their state is really fucked. Texas is why America won’t exist 10 years from now. Fuck Texas and then outlaw it from aborting the jammed AR-15 it’ll give birth to as a result. I have no respect for you people. If you all died, I’d pour myself a glass of lemonade.

    Ratto says: Jack Easterby (25 and running) still controls the franchise. Cal McNair is now an exhibit at Houston Zoo. Getting out from under the Deshaun Watson debacle is Easterby’s finest hour, and having Davis Mills as the team’s new quarterback is his second finest hour. However, neither hour is really good. You can see where the bar has been set: in a ditch half-full of roadkill left there by the highway department.

    You might be surprised at what you find: OK, the new helmets look pretty sweet. God forbid the Texans adopt them for every game and not just for Ladies’ Night.

    HEAR IT FROM TEXANS FANS

    Jared:

    Do you know how Jack Easterby became the most hated and vilified snake-headed piece in a city that produced JOEL FUCKING OSTEEN without sacrificing his dedication and effort?!

    JP:

    What a horrible, stupid town. Horrible. 

    Dustin:

    I’ve smashed enough shit to know we always fuck up.

    John:

    They keep trying for Josh McCown to become the head coach. He’s got absolutely no coaching experience of any kind, but he does go to the same church as Jack Easterby which means that not only is he a Christian, but he’s the right kind of Christian.

    Chuck:

    I took my wife and daughter to a Texans game back in the Matt Schaub days. My wife needed a beer, and my daughter needed to go the bathroom. She was at the age where she was too old to go in the men’s room with me, but kinda not old enough to navigate a crowded women’s room at a football game solo. We waited and waited as the family bathroom was locked. After about five minutes, I realized that someone was changing a diaper or helping their child. Finally, some drunk Texans fan comes stumbling out, mumbles something to us and heads back to his seat. My daughter heads in and takes care of business. She tells me about the drunk man who plied all over the seat. It was gross.

    There is no real point in this story, just like there’s no real point in having the Texans in the NFL.

    Kenneth:

    This team is the most in need of a brand refresh. After finally getting over their sexual predator of an quarterback, this is their chance for a rebrand. They can also refresh their bland name or bland color scheme on their 20th anniversary of joining the league. And what do they do next? They’re going to have a red helmet during one of their games this season.

    Saul:

    1. They continue to have one of the worst names in the NFL. The most inept naming convention. The Houston Texans. Houstonians who live heres. Team, get your stuff together. 

    2. I’m not sure the 2022 version of this team even exists. If you stopped a random person on the street and asked them to name a Houston Texan, they could probably name a random citizen of Houston before a member of this roster. If you put this team up against the inaugural 2008 expansion team version of the Texans, the 2008 expansion team would have a puncher’s chance. 

    3. We’re paying a fullback the same amount of money we’re paying Rex Burkhead and Marlon Mack COMBINED. 

    4. This isn’t saying much, but NRG Stadium might have the least personality in all of pro football. It’s a monument of the average.

    Matt:

    I grew as an Oilers fan in Houston during the late 80s/early 90s. I saw them get swept from the wildcard and second rounds of playoffs for seven consecutive years. Even after all that pain, I was glad the NFL returned to Houston back in 2002. Two warning signs were present: the name was boring and the lyrics to the theme song. “Welcome to the greatest city of allllllll!!!!”

    I finally stopped watching the Texans and the NFL in 2012, when I realized my Sundays were much more pleasant when I didn’t have to orient my schedule around a team I spent most of my time being mad at.  

    Dylan:

    It’s amazing how irreverent the NFL is here now. You used to have threaten to move the team to Nashville before you’d reach this level. I’m pretty sure there’s been more buzz about UH moving to the Big 12.

    Nate:

    Shortly after my mother-in-law’s fiancé Bill was diagnosed with terminal cancer, they decided to get married as quickly as they could to try and enjoy as much of their remaining time together as they could. It was an honor for me to perform their ceremony. I am still delighted that I was able perform that ceremony for them. It was a small, intimate ceremony attended by family and close friends. Afterwards, there was good food and lots of booze, and wouldn’t you know it? The Texans were in the goddamn playoffs! It was a wild game. The Texans roared ahead early and just couldn’t stop scoring. One of the guests clapped my shoulder and said, “This is gonna be our year!”

    The Chiefs then scored 51 unanswered points, and it is unclear whether the Texans will ever so much as sniff the playoffs again.

    Two months later, Bill was killed. Deshaun Watson is an unrepentant rapist (am I sad he is Cleveland’s problem now? No I am not). Jack Easterby still has the answer to this question “What if Rasputin, but at a ‘Disciple Now’ retreat?” COVID isn’t done killing people, the world is (literally AND figuratively!) on fire, SCOTUS is about to do to the very notion of representative democracy what it’s gleefully done to the rights of women, people of color, and the entire spectrum of the LQBT community for the last 40 years or so, and I guaran-goddamn-tee you that when the Texans line up for Week 1 in a stadium named for a shitty and monopolistic power company–assuming the fucking Texas power grid is still intact by then–it will be an announced sellout.

    Fuck this team, but fuck me for watching them. Blue lot sucks.

    Submissions for the Defector NFL Previews are now closed. Next up: New York Jets

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